Dealing with Grown Up Adult Bullies

Morning all,

Yesterday I had quite the fascinating chat with Honorable Daughter II.  Seems that she has the unmitigated joy (on par with that derived from tongue-cleaning a Superbowl toilet bowl) of dealing with a kid in her school who takes the art of annoying behaviors to a level at which Robin Leech would swoon!

Thus, before packing in the kids and the mooses for Advanced karate, I sat down with her and had a serious talk.  She kept focusing upon how "he made her feel"….

...that is, until I pointed out that by choosing that reaction, she was choosing to GIVE him power over her hours AFTER the school day had ended.

You see, while all of my kids are magnificent beyond belief, this particular child of mine takes "extraordinary" to a whole new level when it comes to empathy and looking out for one another.  Heck, during our last "Let’s freeze our bodies solid while trying to sled on molassas-type snow!" adventure, she proactively gave her handgear to her kid brothers so they would be more comfortable!

In other words, WHERE IT COUNTS….she is head and shoulders above the thundering herd.

So!  We decimated her miserable feelings one by one.  We debriefed on what drives other people to be bullies (didn’t harp on that, mind you, as I particularly think bullies should be drawn and quartered via a blunt pair of needle-nosed pliars and quite frankly as an adult, have virtually zero sympathy to them….but that’s a problem on my part of which I take total ownership)…

…but more importantly, how when you take the garbage they say to the heart, you’re giving people power over you….people who are worth LESS than the ground-up beef fat that gets stuck on the grill after Superbowl Sunday.

After the conversation, and after packing the mooses and the kids into the MommyMobile for karate, we continued chatting during the drive.  And she asked me:

"Mom, did you ever have bullies when you were grown up and worked at Bell Labs?"

Whomp!  Talk about slamming the current moment to a full stop and then enduring the crashing memories of potent weeks and months and, yes, years (okay, not many years, but enough) of hell back when I was in my 20s!

Wow, I had really forgotten about that time.  Back then, I had the unique opportunity to work in a group that was more dysfunctional than a kindergarten of rabid wolverines (wonderful supervisor, mind you, but my colleagues would have brought tears of pride to Machiavelli indeed).   OMG….it gave a new meaning to mental games of pain and suffering…in hindsight, it was astonishing quite how pathetic these so-called adults really were.

True, being an utter loser when it came to corporate game-playing politics (the only games I can play well are video), I endured the spiteful backbiting comments and freezing-outs in which you normally think only grammar school kids indulge.  I won’t dwell on that sheer patheticness of that time, but did want to focus upon the following.

My daughter asked me, how did you deal with them?  And I told her, by that time, I had internalized my own true magnificence – compared to 99.94% of the worlds’ population, I was a more compassionate, empathetic individual than they were.  They had ZERO RIGHTS to make me feel bad about myself. 

More important than that, however, it really brought home to me:

• a.) Nobody can make me feel bad about myself unless I give them power over me
• b.)  Where it counts (humanity), I CHOOSE to be in the elite ranks and walk the walk I talk.  Bullies don’t.  How on earth, then, can I allow them to cause me to feel bad about myself?

By the time we reached the dojo, my daughter was back to her usual bouncy self.  And so came about this post.

Adult bullies exist.  They choose to try and make others’ lives miserable, because they NEED other people’s pain to make them feel good about themselves.

But there’s nothing in this galaxy that says you have to CHOOSE to give them that satisfaction.

When you’re bullied as an adult, you HAVE to keep your perspective.  Ask yourself:

• As a human bean, is this person "better" than me?  Does he take the time to help others?  Does she go out of her way to listen instead of judge?  Does he take care of his family?  Does she keep her promises?  etc.etc.etc.
• If this person is such a jerk, why do I choose to let him or her have power over my feelings?   People don’t make you feel bad….it’s your reactions to their words that cause your pain.  A strong self-confidence and personal love of yourself can really help neutralize the bully’s words….and let them flow off your back like dead mosquitos.
• If this person is trying to hurt you professionally, remember….it’s not what’s true that’s important, it’s what people think (because what people think is what they’ll tell their friends).  

If they contact your clients, do a followup contact and say, "I’m following up on some rumors I heard – please do feel free to ask me anything you like and I’ll do my best to meet your expectations."

Sure you can sling mud back at the bully.  But you don’t know yet if the client has been swayed…and you don’t know if their mind has ALREADY been made up.  Take the high ground whenever possible and STAY PROFESSIONAL! 

You know, the whole conversation with my kid yesterday brought back memories of a time where I was still finding my own personal greatness and personal self-confidence.  I suppose in a way, it was good that it happened, as it forced me to REALLY accept the kind of person I am…no, wait, not just accept, but HONOR and VALUE that as well.

When you know your own personal self-worth….virtually nobody can touch you emotionally.  And in the business world, that can be very valuable indeed.

More resources for dealing with adult bullies include:

• Adult Cyber Bullies: Staying Safe on Shine and Around the Net
• Are You Being Bullied at Your Office?
• Bullying reflects problems in adult society
• Dr. Phil Adult Bullies
• Life after Adult Bullying
• Most Hateful of All Things – Adult Bullying
• Serial Adult Bullies

Remember….bullies are scum.  Plain and simple.  And you’re worth far more than that.  Again….plain and simple.

Never forget that.

Enjoy,

Barbara Ling

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