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Emasculating the jerks who bother you
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Morning all,
You know, at the venerable young age of 44, I am constantly reminded of just how terrific it is being in my 40s. Not only do I currently enjoy superb health (at 125 pounds this morning (which is 52 pounds less than my weight in December of 2006), my stamina, while still slightly less than my senior black belts at the dojo (okay, "slightly" meaning "10 to the 39th power") is superior to when I was in my 20s), but I also have at my beck and call 4 decades of life experiences.
Honestly, that is something that simply cannot be replaced.
When I was in my 20s, my folks and colleagues who were in their 40s would share with me their wisdom for dealing with jerks and other low-lying scum that inhabited my workplace. Back then, hah, I figured, sure, what they say might have worked back in the Dark Ages, but I certainly know much better how to tackle situations than they ever would!
Like I now repeat 24 times a day to myself, you simply cannot put an old head on a young body.
It’s only been now in these past few years that I’ve truly come to appreciate how really smart those people who tried to teach me were….and how much wisdom I myself have gathered while enduring those trials by fire as well.
This point was hammered into me with the delightful force of a skydiving elephant sans a parachute last night. You see, that afternoon, another of my kids told me upon disembarking from the school bus that she forgot several workbooks at school, and could I drive her back? Normally, the answer is Heck No, that’s your own responsibility…but then I noticed the shining tears that were secretly trying to escape from her eyes.
Hmmm, thought I, something is amiss! I drove her back and gently discovered:
Girly politics….to the max.
But when pressed for what was REALLY bothering her, she couldn’t zero in on the root cause. To help her gather her thoughts, I asked her to write down everything she was feeling (and no, I wouldn’t grade it nor correct the grammar :) ) and hopefully, the true pain would start to emerge so we could deal with it together.
Back to School night called for another of my kids. Upon returning, I cuddled with my angsting child, and we went over her essay to uncover what was truly bothering her heart. It was this:
It turns out that one of her friends (omigosh, you have no idea how much I HATE girly politics!) was saying nasty things about her to her other friends…and she was so focused on that that she neglected her studies, her English homework, her …. you get the idea.
Now, here’s the true challenge for my kid. She is a very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very compassionate kid…and goes out of her way for her friends.
But she has yet to learn the art of NOT giving her friendship/emotions to people who do NOT cherish it like the gift it is.
The good news here is that I have, ahem, enjoyed the very same problem thru my life as well. Heck, even to this day, I have colleagues and acquaintances and friends etc. for whom I will go above and beyond….and have that taken for granted.
It happens.
The difference between my child and me, however, is I’ve learned the following critical fact of life that keeps me from pain:
I always keep my eyes open whenever I embark on any friendship/relationship/help/etc. I give with an open heart…but choose NOT to expect any return. In other words, I consciously choose NOT to delude myself.
This mantra by which I now live has saved me hugely massive amounts of ickness. Back when I was younger, I’d always think to myself, I’ve given so much, I had better get something in return! And when that something failed to materialize, it would almost always devastate me.
Go figure.
So! I told my kid:
You simply cannot control what others do…but you can control how YOU choose to react. Your tears are precious and should be shed only when regarding those who DESERVE your friendship and love and know it for the gift it truly is.
I went on to explain how when you allow people to hurt you, you’re giving them power over you. And if they’re really jerks worthy of being flung into the Deep Dark Pit of Daffy Duck’s Dungeon, you’re offering them something (power over you) they certainly do not deserve whatsoever….and something that will cause even more pain in the future.
But not only that….I showed her that she is the one in control, not them. Instead of angsting for their worthless friendship, she had to realize that her OWN friendship is the thing that’s valuable beyond reckoning…and if they’re too clueless and stupid to value it….it’s their loss, NOT hers’.
Once you turn the tables in your mind and choose to take BACK your power, you’ve effectively emasculated the jerks trying to hurt you.
True…the above is difficult to internalize for kids. So our conversation continued for another 30 minutes and while I know I didn’t solve the problem for her, I do feel that she now has the emotional tools required to reprogram how she feels about her own friendship and self-worth.
Parenting….it’s truly a hero’s journey. So is growing up for that matter.
Let’s now bring this post back to the most important person reading it….you!
Do YOU give too much to people who simply are not worthy of your goodness?
If so, you’re in fine company!! But when you fail to receive the feedback/emotions/appreciation for which you yearn….it can cause some pretty horrible feelings within your very being. No good at all!
Thus, permit me to suggest you internalize the following three points:
- Your friendship and your love is a GIFT. Don’t give it to just any animate object you encounter.
- If someone is trying to emotionally hurt you, consider the source. People who truly love you would never try to cause you pain.
- Love passionately but love wisely. (yep, this one is reeeaallly tough - we’ve all fallen under the spell of jerks who short-circuit our emotions and allow us to be treated like garbage. Hey, it happens). When you give of yourself, give wholeheartedly but with your eyes OPEN! Don’t fall prey to deluding yourself that what you desire (your fantasies of undying love) is what’s reality (perhaps the person could take you or leave you).
I’m sure this morning after my kids wake up I’ll see first-hand how the discussion affected her.
And while I wish I could shield her from the pain, it’s better she learns at an early age how to protect and value her emotions…and how to stand strong against the jerks who want to see her cry.
After all, that’s part of what growing up is all about.
Enjoy,
Barbara Ling
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so true. some ideas do take a long time to internalize. and this is one of them. in fact, many adults go through life continuing to empower those who hurt them, without considering that there’s an alternative.
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You’re quite right! Barbara