“2 Free Job Offers With Every Spam” Provides Hope For Unemployed Job SeekersApr 01
NEW YORK: This breaking news just in!
Job seekers may soon have a shiny new weapon in their arsenal for finding a job online.
If you're an avid job seeker on the Internet, you probably have endured the misfortune of receiving perhaps 2 or 3 or 9,392 slightly unsolicited emails regarding your fraudulent banking or your parched Farmville crops or your long-lost nephew who happens to be a King of Insanityville, right?
Well, enterprising spam companies who profoundly care you about have realized that such garbage delivered into your email box is an unacceptable slap to your face….and just for you, they're not going to take it anymore.
"It was common sense," said Anthony "Cave of Mysteries" Nagus, owner of WantedEmail, a business based near Roswell, New Mexico. "Spammers have a long and glorious history of carefully analyzing recipient email and ensuring that their offerings are targeted directly to what they know consumers crave. Sure, it's easy enough to blast out 8,482,184 emails about someone's long lost 4.2 billion dollar relative, but to send spam that's actually helpful….now that is truly a blazingly majestic humanitarian deed."
Such resplendent kindness and generosity of spirit could not help but lead to astonishing quantum leaps in the development of ANGST (Applicable Nationwide Gratuitous Spam Traffic). And that led to the creation of:
"ANGST for Job Seekers: Personal Career Growth Edition"
This revolutionary email spam app is designed for one purpose and one purpose only – to reward job seekers for gazing rapturously upon every bit of unsolicited email they receive. And the method by which this is accomplished – it's worthy of Charlton Heston, who conquered Valencia by bringing them bread.
Here's how it works.
1.) Job seekers post their resumes to the Internet.
Normally this is done via highly paid carrier elephants, who can adroitly zip by slow modem speeds and get that crucial document information online.
They get paid by peanuts as well.
2.) The ANGST-BOT immediately awakens and absorbs only one very small, tiny detail from the resume – the email address
This extraction is invisible to the user; after all, the 2 free job offers they'll receive should be viewed as a delightful exciting surprise.
Currently, the main power for the ANGST-BOT is derived from unused helicopter parents cycles.
3.) The email address is fed into the special ANGST-GENERATOR
This cutting-edge revolutionary machine can specifically match not one, but 2 free job offers that are precisely custom-tailored to each job seeker's goals.
It's that simple.
The results boggle the mind – Job seekers from all over are weeping with emotion.
Reaction from under several fossilized clams has been extraordinary.
For example, one job seeker who was searching for a job that required "a brain to accomplish", received this free job offer:
"I Make Over $67,000 a Year as a Stay-at-Home Mom, and You Can Too!
Hi everyone, I’m Sarah Roberts, and I’m a stay at home mom who contributes over $67,000 a year to my family’s income working 10 hours a week (that’s over $128 an hour!) after learning how to do it with a free CD called Google Money System. However, this almost didn’t happen. When my husband and I decided to start a family a little over 6 years ago, we decided I would be a stay-at-home mother for our kids. However, due to his hours being cut back at work two years ago (he worked in construction), it was difficult to make ends meet, let alone set money aside for vacations or retirement. It was decided that I would have to get a job after all, just as my oldest was entering kindergarten. I would miss my kid growing up, and it hurt to think about what I would have to miss."
It's uncanny how it well the job criteria matched the job seeker!
And another job seeker who craved a job growing radioactive tomatoes opened one email to see:
"IMMEDIATE work available! WORK FROM HOME! Assemble Bracelets! Assemble Baby Bibs! Assemble Picture Frames! AND MORE!!!
All jobs are mother approved!! This is the last legitmate job search you will ever need to do! We GUARANTEE IT!!!
EMAIL YOUR NAME AND POSTAL ADDRESS NOW and you will receive an APPLICATION, LIST OF JOBS being offered & ALL DETAILS. (All materials are mailed within 24 hours to the address given to us) (FREE, No shipping, FREE)"
If that doesn't spell out "radioactive tomatoes", I don't know what does.
2 hits, however, could simply be a coincidence. But take a gander at this email, received by a CEO from a Very Large Corporation Whose Logo Used To Resemble The Death Star:
"I hope you have a strong stomach.
Because in the next 3 minutes you're going to see something that may really upset you, it might even piss you off a little…
It may even make you want to leave this page and never come back…
But I'll make you a promise right now – give me a few minutes of your time, hear me out…
I guarantee you'll be glad you did.
Because by the time you've read this page you'll understand the incredibly simple steps I've used to generate $6,279 in extra income every single day….That Little Statistic Literally FORCED Me To Create The Ultimate Video Coaching Course For You Which I've Called "Cell Phone Cash"!!
Think about it. Former CEO of AT&T, and she receives a Free Job Offer to make money with mobile phones!
Coincidence? Anthony Nagus thinks not.
"Job seekers these days are desperate for quality, long-lasting employment. And by offering not one, but TWO fantastically useful career opportunities as a wondrous reward for simply opening and reading an email….my gosh, it's a no brainer!"
Time will tell how successful this is. However, to quote Sharlie Cheen, this offer can only be described as:
"More winning than 2 free porn stars with every spam!"