Admitting when you’re being beyond unfair

Morning!

Ever have the unimaginable joys of really being pissed off at family or friends….and then realizing that gee, perhaps you’re over-reacting….but then being faced with

OMIGOSH, if I admit that, I’ll be allowing myself to be *gasp!* VULNERABLE!!!!

Gosh it’s heck.

I had this loverly experience earlier today when dealing with a house cleaning issue with me Honorable Husband.  There was a weee bit of a miscommunication (wee like, oh, King Kong’s footprint) which caused massive feelings of LIFE JUST AIN’T FAIR!

However….

However, we’ve been married now for 15 years…and it’s pretty darned obvious that we really do look out for one another’s feelings and emotional stability. 

My challenge was communicating my need (in this case, it was for validation) without coming across that YOU MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY.

Because, as we all know…people cannot MAKE you feel a certain way – you have to take ownership of your emotions and admit to yourself, you chose to react a certain way.

I must have gone over opening statements 57 times before I finally hit on the one thing that bridged our communication gap.

I said, and I quote:

"I recognize I’m being really unfair to you right now but my emotions are making me feel this way.  Can you please say, "I validate what you are feeling", and then we can discuss it?"

See, by proactively taking responsibility for my unfairness, I showed my husband that in this particular case, I was owning the problem….but I needed his help in dealing with it.

He said the statement I requested and afterwards, I felt free to explain all the background issues that were getting me down.  Funny how emotions work!

The problem soon dissipated afterwards…and I had one heck of a super character-building lesson in return.

And it’s this:

If you can recognize when you’re being unfair…but still want to resolve the emotional issues that are really important to you….admit to your family your unfairness FIRST.  This takes away any need for a defensive reaction on their part…and opens communication channels like nothing else.

You know, I’m in my 40s…and still a student at this thing called ‘life’.   Sometimes it seems like my learning has gone exponential this year; I’m a completely different person than I was 365 days ago.  I really do wonder how long this phase of my life will last….

Anywhos!  Let’s return to the most important person in this post – YOU! 

How do YOU deal with emotional angst when you feel like you’re being misunderstood?

Sometimes…having the courage to admit you’re being more unfair than a 2 headed penny in a toss up for tails can bridge gaps faster than a supersonic jet can travel from my home to next door.

If there’s true love and understanding and friendship and all those sorts of goodies….and not to mention, trust is also inherent in your actions…..taking ownership of your unfairness is just the action that can start the healing for both of you.

And you can take THAT to future health and happiness….indeed.  🙂

Enjoy,

Barbara Ling

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ps – speaking about not being unfair: