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How to destroy relationship abuse
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Morning!
Today is Sunday! A day of rest, unless your last name is Ling! :) I have lots on my plate today including writing, revamping my RISE site, challenging the kids in DDR and more. Hah! And folks think I have no life…hah!
But I digress.
Today’s thought of the day deals with the dank seamy underbelly of relationships…that of abuse.
Now, I’m not talking merely about physical "slap ‘em around" abuse….I’d also like to concentrate on the far more damaging aspects of emotional abuse as well.
One of the biggest problems abused people in relationships have is their utterly mind-bending ability to distort reality and serve up excuses for their partner’s horrendous behaviors. Perhaps we all have a bit of "the rescuer" in us…that never-say-die belief that the partner-who-could-double-as-rat-saliva is simply a poor misunderstood individual who can be healed by our gentle understanding and patience.
Bleh.
I was once in an emotionally abusive relationship, long long ago, back before the earth’s crust cooled and slightly after when wheels were square. It happened after college and lasted 1.5 years (yes, YEARS - to this day, I look back and wonder why I chose to stay after a week). During that time, that individual joyfully sliced up what little self-esteem I possessed and truly took great joy in degrading me emotionally via techniques that would make the Marquis de Sade proud.
Sigh.
I finally put a stop to it after 1.5 years; perhaps it was my guardian angel who finally kicked me in the teeth figuratively and silently shrieked in my mind:
Yo! IDJUT WOMAN! Is this the kind of relationship your parents brought you up to appreciate???? (side note - my folks have been married 56 years and are still going strong).
The answer, once I faced it, was HELL NO! And I managed to turn the key in my mind that gave me permission to really value the person I was….and really recognized I was abusing myself by accepting such treatment.
‘course, after I terminated the relationship, the guy turned on the charm and begged me to come back. That of course ’twas a no-go!
So he called up my mom and asked her out to lunch to inquire what he could do to win me back.
My mom gently explained to him, once her daughter has casted you out of her life, there is ZERO chances of ever being allowed back in.
The upshot of the story is that I started dating again a month or so later…and then a short while afterwards, he popped back into my life one last time….bringing me an engagement ring and asking me to marry him.
You know, fiction doesn’t sound less plausible than that!!
Why is it some people only appreciate what they have…when they lose it for good?
I truly wish I knew. In hindsight, I’m very grateful to have experienced the above hell. One, it was character-building and taught me lessons that have stayed with me to this day (ie, I’m an incredible gift….and people who fail to appreciate that are not deserving of my company) and two, I can dissolve any emotional blinders to my feelings and recognize instantly when relationships (in my case, friendships, as I’ve been happily married now for 15 years) are starting to become abusive.
This is gold for teaching my children! I suppose it all goes back to…everything happens for a reason.
So! Let’s now bring this post back to the most important person reading it….you!
Are you in an abusive relationship? Would you even acknowledge you ARE if that was truly the case?
Here are some great resources to help you recognize and deal with the symptoms.
- Coping with Abuse
- Getting Serious about Teen Relationship Abuse
- I’ve Left Him, so Why Don’t I Feel Happy?
- My abusive boyfriend wants to break up, why do I desperately want to stay?
- Nothing funny about abusive girlfriends
- Teenage Abusive Relationships
- Top 10 Signs of an Man
- Victim Blaming and Relationship Abuse
- Women who hit men
Want to break the cycle of abuse? I’ve found for you:
- Before It’s Too Late
- How to Leave an Abusive Relationship
- How women decide to leave an abusive relationship
- Prevent abusive relationships
- Why don’t they leave?
Recognizing the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step towards healing yourself.
The next step is to internalize:
- Your self-worth comes from WITHIN…you don’t need anyone to validate your magnificence.
- Your heart might break….but it will heal even stronger in the end.
- Abusive men or women are scum. Plain and simple. And scum belongs in fetid lakes…not in your precious life.
I’ve been in the position of watching the clock for my past abusive boyfriend to show up (2 hours after promised), and I’ve felt the nervous butterflies in the stomach when wondering if today he would be sweet or if I’d have to "understand his demons" once more.
And you know something?
After awhile (okay, 1.5 years)…I finally put MYSELF in the position of asking, what the hell was I truly trying to accomplish?
And I realized….
Going thru an abusive relationship can bring out the inner strength you have lying within you…if only you give yourself permission to be strong.
Never allow ANYONE to take that away from you.
Enjoy,
Barbara Ling
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- Storming the gates of HELL , otherwise known as teaching kids boundaries
- A friend is ALWAYS a priceless gem and you’re never too old for more
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lol we’ll I clicked on a link which gave me the impression this was an economic blog, but I clicked on this article and I have a few things to say. We’ll I believe that kind people do have a bit of the rescuer in us, and if we have not matured past a certain person it is easy to disasociate those feelings when dealing with someone with the opposite sex with which there may be a purely physical attraction.
You seem very intelligent and mostly on point in this article but your statements that abusive people are scum. As a former abusive person maybe I can give some insight. In my experience during that period of my life and that relationship I was sufferiing so terribly from manic depression, and alcoholism. When I felt anger it was a relief for me from the feelings of deep depression. I’d provoke the situations. Plus I was self medicating. After plenty of therapy, detox, rehab, being convicted of a crime, anger management AA and now Daily meditation and SSRI medications I’ve come so far and am slowly shipping away at those “demons”
I’ve come to realize that no person is simply a “bad person” Everyone is made in the image of god, that is stated not only in the bible but in the texts of every major religion on the planet. It’s like gold being underneath a mountain, you can’t see it but it’s still gold. And in some really bad cases perhaps it is like gold under a huge pile of dog sh**. No matter, after it’s unearthed cleaned polished it’s still gold.
that’s my experience.
I am now happily married with 2 children haven’t had a drink in years own my own business basically i’m doing fine and know i’m not a bad person, I was just under a big pile of sh**.
self worth, i feel, is really quite important. without it, one can go through life, with no real sense of contentment and peace, always wondering what some other person thinks of you, since that becomes the measure of your worth.
kouji’s last blog post..haiku poem: others (about me)
Yes indeed. Barbara
I found your article to be an interesting read. I tend to believe that most relationship problems present plenty of blame to go around.
Relationships are difficult. Even for the heathiest of people. I think it’s very important that folks examine what’s “really” going on in a bad relationship or they may be doomed to repeat the same mistakes again.
Len
I totally agree.
Barbara