Internet Marketing for Shy People

"...and now, back to our regularly scheduled programming..."



How dare you NOT feel sorry for me!!

by Barbara


PrintFriendly

CryingMorning!

I will admit, nothing is better in this world than a freshly-brewed cup of piping hot coffee, swimming with English Toffee zero calorie sweetener and creamer. 

Well, okay, perhaps SOME things are better, like great romance, children who shun angsting, being able to catch the 5th degree black-belt with a surprise kick that flattens him unexpectedly, customers who not only buy a clue but even offer to help you out (that rocks!)….but the point remains. 

Starting the day calmly and pleasantly is truly a Very Good Thing indeed.

But I digress.  :)

Today I’d like to chat about a rather fascinating insight into my kids that occured yesterday.  Because both of them, ahem, chose NOT to communicate effectively, they encountered the following situation:

  • Child 2 appropriated Child 1′s chair while Child 1 was in the bathroom.
    • Child 1 told Child 2, get off.
  • Child 2 started to explain why she shouldn’t have to.
    • Child 1 whacked the back of Child 2.
  • Child 2 responded, I have a sun-burn, that hurt!
    • Child 1 (who possesses an empathy level similar to newly-minted Brillo pads) chose not to respond.
  • Child 2 (who showed a remarkable lack of common sense) slapped Child 1 across the face.

Wow!  Never before in my family has ANY member slapped another (and never again will one do so!).  And I was truly impressed by the fact Child 1 (who can flatten any family member except me and my husband) refused to respond after that – she just called me up to deal out the consequences.

What would YOU have done?

Here’s what I did – I sat both of them facing one another, and had them both relate, sentence by sentence, their recollection of the events.  After every sentence, I had the other repeat back the words that were heard (this way, mis-understandings are impossible).  And here’s what was uncovered:

Child 2 was expecting Child 1 to show sympathy/empathy/feel sorry for her sunburn.  Child 1 didn’t, hence Child 2 imploded.

See the issue here yet?

After resolving the issue between the two of them (and also informing them if I EVER find out one has slapped the other, I would ensure the slapper would experience the, ahem, same sensation as well, only intensified 34 times), I sat down with Child 2 to discuss taking ownership of one’s emotions.

Yes, truly, it would be great if people showed empathy and sympathy when problems are encountered.

Thing is, though, you simply cannot control that!!

All YOU can do is choose how to react.

Requiring others to feel sorry for you is a Very Bad Thing indeed.  You own your own pain.  Now, true, it might be that others ARE indeed clueless as to how you are hurting…and in that case, gently telling them:

Ahem, I’m feeling pretty miserable here, might you provide some understanding?

can go a long way indeed!

Having your pain validated is a very healing thing and it’s great when others will do so.

BUT!  Alas, you cannot….DEMAND…that they do so.

Even if they’re family members.

When you depend upon others to make you feel better, you’re delivering control of your emotions over to people who probably are NOT worthy of that honor. 

And that in turn will make you vulerable in the future as well.

After talking with Child 2, I had a lovely discussion with Child 1 about empathy and being alert to how other’s feel.  Alas, that conversation most likely went in one ear and out the other and waved happily at me as it disappeared into the horizon.  But hey, Child 1 is still young yet.  :)

In closing, when you’re hurting and want others to make you feel better, remember the key following 3 points.

  • You own your own pain.  Nobody else does.
  • Nobody can MAKE you feel better…you have to CHOOSE to feel better.
  • Nobody HAS to validate your pain.  It’s yours – that’s validation enough!  BUT….there’s nothing wrong with telling your family/friends that hey, I’m feeling down now – can we talk about it?  Validation is always a good thing to give and receive.

When you refuse to depend upon others’ reactions to set your own mood, you become a far stronger and more emotionally stable individual.  And that of course, is a Very Good Thing indeed.  :)

Enjoy,

Barbara Ling

ps – speaking about feeling good:

 

140 How dare you NOT feel sorry for me!!
The Feel Good Book – Todd Parr – BRAND NEW

140 How dare you NOT feel sorry for me!!
The Feel Good Book

140 How dare you NOT feel sorry for me!!
NATURE’S BIG BEAUTIFUL FEEL GOOD BOOK

140 How dare you NOT feel sorry for me!!
The Feel Good Book by Todd Parr Hardcover with jacket childs reading NEW 1st ed

140 How dare you NOT feel sorry for me!!
THE FEEL GOOD BOOK – TODD PARR (PAPERBACK) NEW

140 How dare you NOT feel sorry for me!!
NEW The Feel Good Book – Parr, Todd 9780316043458

140 How dare you NOT feel sorry for me!!
Nature’s Big, Beautiful, Bountiful, Feel-Good Book (…

subscribe sticker11 How dare you NOT feel sorry for me!!

FREE GIFT! My 100% Affiliate Commissions Secrets!

Digg This
Stumble Now!
Buzz This
Share on Facebook
Bookmark this on Delicious
Share on LinkedIn
Bookmark this on Technorati
Post on Twitter
Google Buzz (aka. Google Reader)

No related content found.


Thank you for reading!"Hey there, thanks so much for stopping by! If you enjoyed this article, please do feel free to tell your friends about it or use those nifty neato social icons above to spread the word. I love sharing great info, and would really appreciate it...thanks!"
-- Barbara Ling

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

AlexNo Gravatar August 19, 2008 at 12:19 pm

As always nicely written article.

I was “educated” early in my life that when someone feeling sorry for you – it is insulting and my grandpa had a great way to deliver the message :-)

Alex’s last blog post..Are You REALLY Safe With Social Media?

Reply

Share Your Comments - you might have to click twice to activate the comment box

CommentLuv badge

This blog uses premium CommentLuv which allows you to put your keywords with your name if you have had 3 approved comments. Use your real name and then @ your keywords (maximum of 3)

Previous post:

Next post: