Morning!
I will admit, nothing is better in this world than a freshly-brewed cup of piping hot coffee, swimming with English Toffee zero calorie sweetener and creamer.
Well, okay, perhaps SOME things are better, like great romance, children who shun angsting, being able to catch the 5th degree black-belt with a surprise kick that flattens him unexpectedly, customers who not only buy a clue but even offer to help you out (that rocks!)….but the point remains.
Starting the day calmly and pleasantly is truly a Very Good Thing indeed.
But I digress. 
Today I’d like to chat about a rather fascinating insight into my kids that occured yesterday. Because both of them, ahem, chose NOT to communicate effectively, they encountered the following situation:
- Child 2 appropriated Child 1′s chair while Child 1 was in the bathroom.
- Child 1 told Child 2, get off.
- Child 2 started to explain why she shouldn’t have to.
- Child 1 whacked the back of Child 2.
- Child 2 responded, I have a sun-burn, that hurt!
- Child 1 (who possesses an empathy level similar to newly-minted Brillo pads) chose not to respond.
- Child 2 (who showed a remarkable lack of common sense) slapped Child 1 across the face.
Wow! Never before in my family has ANY member slapped another (and never again will one do so!). And I was truly impressed by the fact Child 1 (who can flatten any family member except me and my husband) refused to respond after that – she just called me up to deal out the consequences.
What would YOU have done?
Here’s what I did – I sat both of them facing one another, and had them both relate, sentence by sentence, their recollection of the events. After every sentence, I had the other repeat back the words that were heard (this way, mis-understandings are impossible). And here’s what was uncovered:
Child 2 was expecting Child 1 to show sympathy/empathy/feel sorry for her sunburn. Child 1 didn’t, hence Child 2 imploded.
See the issue here yet?
After resolving the issue between the two of them (and also informing them if I EVER find out one has slapped the other, I would ensure the slapper would experience the, ahem, same sensation as well, only intensified 34 times), I sat down with Child 2 to discuss taking ownership of one’s emotions.
Yes, truly, it would be great if people showed empathy and sympathy when problems are encountered.
Thing is, though, you simply cannot control that!!
All YOU can do is choose how to react.
Requiring others to feel sorry for you is a Very Bad Thing indeed. You own your own pain. Now, true, it might be that others ARE indeed clueless as to how you are hurting…and in that case, gently telling them:
Ahem, I’m feeling pretty miserable here, might you provide some understanding?
can go a long way indeed!
Having your pain validated is a very healing thing and it’s great when others will do so.
BUT! Alas, you cannot….DEMAND…that they do so.
Even if they’re family members.
When you depend upon others to make you feel better, you’re delivering control of your emotions over to people who probably are NOT worthy of that honor.
And that in turn will make you vulerable in the future as well.
After talking with Child 2, I had a lovely discussion with Child 1 about empathy and being alert to how other’s feel. Alas, that conversation most likely went in one ear and out the other and waved happily at me as it disappeared into the horizon. But hey, Child 1 is still young yet.
In closing, when you’re hurting and want others to make you feel better, remember the key following 3 points.
- You own your own pain. Nobody else does.
- Nobody can MAKE you feel better…you have to CHOOSE to feel better.
- Nobody HAS to validate your pain. It’s yours – that’s validation enough! BUT….there’s nothing wrong with telling your family/friends that hey, I’m feeling down now – can we talk about it? Validation is always a good thing to give and receive.
When you refuse to depend upon others’ reactions to set your own mood, you become a far stronger and more emotionally stable individual. And that of course, is a Very Good Thing indeed.
Enjoy,
Barbara Ling
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As always nicely written article.
I was “educated” early in my life that when someone feeling sorry for you – it is insulting and my grandpa had a great way to deliver the message
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