Storming the gates of HELL , otherwise known as teaching kids boundaries
Aug 27th, 2008 | By Barbara | Category: Insights
Morning!
And how are you today? Over here in LingLand, I suffered beyond mere mortal comprehension yesterday. Yes indeed, I had to (gasp!) SACRIFICE!!!!!
It was agonizing, it was painful, it was soul-searing and consumed my very being…..but for my family, I’d storm the gates of Hell (as would any other husband or wife).
Well, okay, perhaps….I might have over-exaggerated my undying hair-raising ethics-fusing mind-numbing rather mundane choice of yesterday’s action. You see, yesterday was supposed to be one of the few extracurricular classes that I attend. No, it’s not skydiving nor wild-boar wrestling nor ninja-star dodging nor BMXing – it was adult karate sparring.
I really love this sport. A tried-and-true coward from a long line of illustrious cowards back in my earlier years, I never possessed the self-confidence required to actually stand up for myself…and became one with bruises and emotional scarring quite often. Fast-forward several decades, and the idea of fighting people 37 times better than me and learning new skills/techniques while picking myself up off the floor and demanding more….oh, it’s just plain heaven.
Age truly is simply a number – you can always learn new sports if you simply give yourself permission to try.
Anywhos, right after bringing Honorable Boy I and Honorable Boy II to the dojo, my husband called – it turned out that a school classmate whom he hadn’t seen now for, gosh, bunches of decades, was in our neck of the woods (okay, within a 200 mile radius). So he asked if I could take over kid-duty last night while he visited his friend.
And that, of course, meant…..no sparring for me. Wah!
So I missed out on my passion yesterday (cue the violins!). ‘Twas for a good reason, of course, and quite frankly, any spouse who would say, ahem, no, my personal pleasures are far more important than your emotional needs, would earn the real-life definition of a twit and a boor and someone quite selfish indeed.
BUT! It did give me the topic for today’s post! 
Which is like so.
Have you ever heard the phrase:
I’d climb the highest mountain,
I’d swim the deepest river,
And then I’d collapse exhausted and muddy
On your brand new carpet
In other words, social critters that we are, quite often we’ll go out of our way for the people whom we love. Sure, we’ll also go out of our way for friends as well, but I’d like to focus upon love for this particular post.
What does "storming the gates of Hell" mean to you? Certainly, it can mean putting yourself in dire situations to rescue your loved ones….but it can also involve braving emotional storms as well.
Take your kids. You probably know their hot buttons…and you also are well-acquainted with their failings to boot! You know that should they make a mistake and you set out to alert them to this possibility….you run the risk of extreme emotional angst, yelling matches and all-around miserable feelings. Why even bother?
Well, one reason to even bother is because….they’ve almost certainly failed mind-reading 101.
When kids goof, they are counting on you (even if they’ll deny this with their last angsting breath) to call them to account for it. Kids need boundaries and kids blossom wonderfully if you show you can hold fast to the rules!
But if your kids are hard-wired to strike back (ie, emotional "I hate you" etc.), you have to stand fast and weather the oncoming storm with style and grace while they plunge emotional daggers into your psyche.
Now THAT action can be really painful indeed! I’m very lucky; I’ve raised my children to know that if they decree, "I hate you", my response is "Wonderful! My job as your mom ISN’T to be your friend, it’s to raise you to become the very best person possible. Hate away! And don’t forget to pick up your socks as you leave the room!" They know I am capable of completely freezing them out of my life if necessary; I firmly believe the Greater Good (ie, getting my point across while they’re still young and possess the ability to learn) is more important than my short-term emotional family needs.
That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell when it does happen. But I never do let that on to the kids.
What about you? Are you self-confident enough that you can call out your children when they require it…and let their anger and pain flow over and around you until they’ve recovered their balance and can discuss the issues like normal sentient carbon-based life units?
Or do you think, gee, if I tell my kids that cheating on their Math exam and then posting it on Facebook is wrong, it might scar their fragile egos for life! I had better tolerate the status quo!
Hmmmm?
I firmly believe that short-term pain (aka, storming the gates of Hell) is far preferable to allowing your children to grow up like spoiled selfish idjuts who expect Mommy and Daddy to bail them out of any life dangers greater than breaking a finger-nail on a locker door. How about you?
And if you have problems with confrontation….there are several ways you can deal with it. Check out:
- How To Overcome The Fear Of Confrontation And Earn Respect From Others
- Change Follows Fear Confrontation
- A Simple Way to Overcome Confrontation
- Children Need Boundaries
- Should we set Boundaries for our Kids?
Remember, you’re the guiding light for your family. Make certain you always shine as brightly as you can.
Enjoy,
Barbara Ling
ps – speaking about Hell, have you seen:
Hell Ride (DVD, 2008)|**GREAT DVD BARGAINS @ BOYD STREET***SAVE ON SHIPPING**
Brothers in Arms Hell’s Highway PC DVD-Rom Software|
King Hell 13 Ra In Soo Kim Jae-Hwan Eng Adapt WarCraft|Books Package With Care & Shipped Immediately
FAMILY GUY SILK Neck Tie Burn in Hell NeckTie NEW|
“Direct Hit! Hell Fist, Executioner” Japan sealed CD|
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Hi Barbara – I do try to get my kids to see the error of their ways from time to time. Especially when they keep making the same mistake over and over. And funnily enough I always get the “I hate you” too – I’m sure they must learn it at school. Then I respond in the same way as you and I get “You’re horrible.”
Cath Lawson’s last blog post..What Is Your Responsibility As A Writer?
Indeed. I just tell my kids, you’re living in a benevolent dictatorship, and I’m the benevolent dictator. Gosh, I remember that from back when I was a kid…..
Barbara
My wife told me a great story the other day. Our son has a neighbor friend who has not been taught boundaries and so he is always pushing the edge. We try to teach boundaries every day and it is of course a constant struggle.
My wife was in the car with our children and went to the neighbors to pick his friend up. They were goign to go to DairyQueen or something. While in the driveway the neighbor friend got rowdy and was touching my daughter. My wife told him in no uncertain terms not to touch her again. He proceeded to touch her ever so gently with one finger, just barely a touch. But a touch just the same. My wife booted him out of the car and left. She said the look on his face was priceless! He knows we have boundaries anyway.
IT Governance Blog’s last blog post..PO3 Determine Technological Direction
Indeed, boundaries are so very much needed. Thanks for sharing your story!!
Barbara
Hi Barbara,
Thank you for your wonderful, wonderful post. As a father of a 15 year-old boy who’s right now experiencing raging hormones and angst, I do get my fair share of “I hate yous,” sometimes for no reason at all. It feels like a cool thing for him to say it.
Nevertheless, I don’t retaliate or blow up (unless desperate measures are called for) but after having read your post, I feel so much better, knowing that I’m not alone in this.
I’d like your permission to link you to my blog, and probably to use that Gates of Hell title (very cool) Please email me should you decide.
Thanks again!
Philip Yeoh’s last blog post..Student Profile: Anthea Song
Hi Philip!
So glad you liked the post – yes, please feel free to link to it. Kids are an adventure, aren’t they?
Barbara